Grace, perhaps.
“You belong here,” repeated Academic Dean, Rev. Dr. Castelo, in his opening address on orientation day.
I sat alone among a hundred and fifty or so incoming div students in the Duke Divinity Chapel (pictured above). It had been a while since I had had the first-day-of-school experience. The timid and intimidated David of childhood rose to the surface—the wallflower in me in full bloom.
Dr. Castelo, in his address, named loneliness and imposter syndrome. He said that at a school like Duke Divinity, these experiences are possible, even likely. He assured us that, despite what we might think, that did not mean that we didn’t belong. As he spoke, tears and a silent “amen” welled up in me. However, settling into this belonging took much longer. Days.
See, here I was: day one at one of the top divinity schools in the country,¹ if not the world.² And I spent undergrad at a school that called a small, 70s era community church “The School of Music.” Sprawling gardens. Pristine Gothic architecture in every direction. And standing at the head of the quad: a 210-foot tall bell tower that is the Duke Chapel. Do I belong…here?
Over the course of the next few days I wrestled. Slowly, I met and talked with other students. So many brilliant people. I didn’t meet many who came from a “low church” tradition like me. Small talk conversation inevitably included the, “Oh, do you know such-and-such professor?” and “Who are you taking that class with? Is it so-and-so?” Ashamed and overwhelmed, I’d leak out, “No, I don’t know them, sorry.” The name-dropping seemed to confirm my suspicions: I don’t think I belong here.
One afternoon, I wandered into Duke Chapel. Walking through the doors to the sanctuary, I looked toward the front of the space—for a moment I thought I could see the curvature of the earth. I looked up. The ceiling was so high, it might as well have been the sky itself. I walked down the center aisle about halfway toward the front, pulled off into a pew, and sat. I did my best to be absolutely silent. See, even though the chapel is open daily to the public and the person at the front desk verbally welcomed me, for some reason I felt like I still might get “caught.” I was a muggle who had stumbled into Hogwarts by mistake.
As I sat there, in the very space that seemed to put a spotlight on the contrast between its glory and my ordinariness, I noticed something. There were only a few other people in the chapel. And as far as I could tell, I was the only student. The others were tourists. These other people were just visiting. I was the one who belonged. They were taking in the beauty and glory, history, excellence, and legacy of…my school. This is my school.
I don’t deserve to be here, among these people, walking these grounds. And yet here I am. I could never, in a million years, claim this as my own—and yet, this is mine.
What is this feeling? What is this experience? Grace, perhaps.
Eric and I were roommates in undergrad. Eric and Emily moved to Durham just a week before I came for class! Through them God provided a place of rest and people with which to process and be pastored—a true home.
Lesson 499 from Immersion Week: What a privilege it is to be able to use the term, “the quad.”
The Duke Gardens. This is the view from where I think may become “my spot” in the future. Seen here, probably one twentieth the garden.
Prayer Request
Week by Week. As expected, the plate in the Tanner household is full. Three online classes, Interim Lead Pastor responsibilities, two boys two and under, and more—this all trends toward overwhelm. Please pray for motivation both for the week-by-week workload and for keeping boundaries necessary to cultivate spiritual, emotional, and familial health.
Financial Update
Seminary. I am currently looking to expand the Financial Support Team by another $120/mo to assist with the three required trips per year to Duke. If you have been interested in the past but saw that I was fully funded, now is your opportunity to join the team! Learn more at davidtanner.co/give or reply to this email to begin a conversation.
Sabbatical. If you would like to contribute to my upcoming sabbatical (Summer 2024), you can make a one-time donation here. Note: those funds run through and are managed by Refuge Church.
Book Club Round 3?
In my last email update, I asked for people to email me if they were interested in another round of book club. I did not receive enough replies to make another round viable. That said, here are a couple offerings:
The Staff/Board Team at Refuge are about to begin making their way through Pete Scazzero’s Emotionally Healthy Spirituality. If you would like to follow along, I would love to know about it! Send me an email, or message me on Instagram.
As an assignment this semester I have had to write a book review on Analog Church by Jay Kim. If you are inspired to read this, I would love to engage with you.
Interested in Spiritual Formation? I’ve read a portion of Soul Feast by Marjorie J. Thompson this semester and would highly recommend it.
Finally, if you are still interested in a book club, now or in the not-too-distant future, please continue to hound me. I want to know it’s still on your radar!
